This year has been a fairly momentous. Some big milestones - buying a first home, getting a car, and of course, getting pregnant. Now, here on Jan 1, 2011, I'm looking ahead to meeting this little person who has been growing inside me. This pregnancy has been pretty grueling. I literally missed months of time in the outside world except to go to work and come home, because I was so sick the first trimester. Throwing up sometimes as much as five times a day just doesn't leave much energy for anything else. Second trimester is supposed to be the golden period - mine was plagued with migraines and nausea (less throwing up, but somehow the shower was a trigger and i could pretty much guarantee a good hurl either during or after). I tried medication, I tried acupuncture. I slept a lot. I worked a lot. Because right around the 4 month mark, I got myself a second job and began working FT. Between the end of August and mid-October I worked my ass off, stressed much, and tried to keep it together.
I've been extremely fortunate to go through all of this with C, who is the most caring and understanding partner. All the way through this pregnancy, he's been amazing. He cooks delicious meals most nights, makes our home cozy, grocery shops, cleans, does laundry - buys me treats that I like, wipes my tears when I cry uncontrollably for no reason, cuddles me, and consoles me with words of reassurance, even when he feels helpless to ease my discomfort. It took me a long time to find him, but I am never letting him go.
I think towards the future, with this new baby arriving, and I am somewhat anxious and nervous, but obviously excited, too. So many unknowns ahead - and i'm not good with unknowns. I worry myself sick sometimes thinking about all the "what ifs" but I also realize that i'm doing it and try to relax - something that doesn't always come easily. Oddly, being pregnant has, for the most part, had a calming effect on me (until this last trimester, anyway). I wasn't ready to get pregnant until right around the time we did get pregnant, and then I was SO ready. All in. Just calm, and excited - this is what I'm meant to be doing now. This feels so right. It's pretty powerful to feel that way. I stopped going to therapy - just didn't feel I needed it anymore. That might change after the baby is born, but I hope not. I do worry about post-pardum depression, considering my history, but hopefully I will recognize it if it comes my way, and deal with it.
Aside from growing girth, i've grown in a few other ways this year. I've come to terms with who my real friends are and let go of some toxic relationships that plagued me for the past few years. I no longer feel bitter and angry about what has transpired, and have tried to make more of an effort with the people in my life truly want to be in my life as much as I want to be in theirs.
I do have some regrets - I regret not keeping in better touch with certain people from my past. We are now reconnected via the ubiquitous FB, but it isn't the same, of course. I am haunted by certain people in my dreams - I run into them, and it's awkward, and I awake feeling sad. I am bothered by the fact that there was a time we would share our closest confidences and now we are reduced to xmas cards and occasional FB posts. and I don't know how to change this or make it better. I'm trying to make peace with my past decisions and actions that have led me to this place.
Moving forward into this new year, and anticipating the arrival of a new member of my family, I am at once excited and scared. But I feel ready - more ready than I've ever felt about anything in my entire adult life. Me and C are about to embark on an unbelievable journey. As I like to say, I'm as ready as I can be without having a clue what I'm getting myself into. Whatever happens, we will deal with it together.
Wishing all a happy new year filled with hope, love, health, wealth and happiness.
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