Reflecting on an eventful year

This year has been a fairly momentous. Some big milestones - buying a first home, getting a car, and of course, getting pregnant. Now, here on Jan 1, 2011, I'm looking ahead to meeting this little person who has been growing inside me. This pregnancy has been pretty grueling. I literally missed months of time in the outside world except to go to work and come home, because I was so sick the first trimester. Throwing up sometimes as much as five times a day just doesn't leave much energy for anything else. Second trimester is supposed to be the golden period - mine was plagued with migraines and nausea (less throwing up, but somehow the shower was a trigger and i could pretty much guarantee a good hurl either during or after). I tried medication, I tried acupuncture. I slept a lot. I worked a lot. Because right around the 4 month mark, I got myself a second job and began working FT. Between the end of August and mid-October I worked my ass off, stressed much, and tried to keep it together.

I've been extremely fortunate to go through all of this with C, who is the most caring and understanding partner. All the way through this pregnancy, he's been amazing. He cooks delicious meals most nights, makes our home cozy, grocery shops, cleans, does laundry - buys me treats that I like, wipes my tears when I cry uncontrollably for no reason, cuddles me, and consoles me with words of reassurance, even when he feels helpless to ease my discomfort. It took me a long time to find him, but I am never letting him go.

I think towards the future, with this new baby arriving, and I am somewhat anxious and nervous, but obviously excited, too. So many unknowns ahead - and i'm not good with unknowns. I worry myself sick sometimes thinking about all the "what ifs" but I also realize that i'm doing it and try to relax - something that doesn't always come easily. Oddly, being pregnant has, for the most part, had a calming effect on me (until this last trimester, anyway). I wasn't ready to get pregnant until right around the time we did get pregnant, and then I was SO ready. All in. Just calm, and excited - this is what I'm meant to be doing now. This feels so right. It's pretty powerful to feel that way. I stopped going to therapy - just didn't feel I needed it anymore. That might change after the baby is born, but I hope not. I do worry about post-pardum depression, considering my history, but hopefully I will recognize it if it comes my way, and deal with it. 

Aside from growing girth, i've grown in a few other ways this year. I've come to terms with who my real friends are and let go of some toxic relationships that plagued me for the past few years. I no longer feel bitter and angry about what has transpired, and have tried to make more of an effort with the people in my life truly want to be in my life as much as I want to be in theirs.

I do have some regrets - I regret not keeping in better touch with certain people from my past. We are now reconnected via the ubiquitous FB, but it isn't the same, of course. I am haunted by certain people in my dreams - I run into them, and it's awkward, and I awake feeling sad. I am bothered by the fact that there was a time we would share our closest confidences and now we are reduced to xmas cards and occasional FB posts. and I don't know how to change this or make it better. I'm trying to make peace with my past decisions and actions that have led me to this place.

Moving forward into this new year, and anticipating the arrival of a new member of my family, I am at once excited and scared. But I feel ready - more ready than I've ever felt about anything in my entire adult life. Me and C are about to embark on an unbelievable journey. As I like to say, I'm as ready as I can be without having a clue what I'm getting myself into. Whatever happens, we will deal with it together.

Wishing all a happy new year filled with hope, love, health, wealth and happiness.

ding dong, job one is done!

Tuesday was my final day of work at gig 1, the job where my boss said i could work from home up until my due date and also said that she wouldn't hire someone without first consulting me about what i wanted to do, then did a 180 and hired someone a week later, said she wouldn't need me after mid-Dec and that she didn't want me to work from home. I took it all in stride - I was wishy-washy about continuing to work after baby anyway, so by her hiring someone that essentially took the decision away from me and therefore i can't feel guilty or conflicted. I was not thrilled about the not being able to work from home bit, but again, knowing that the end was near was helpful.

That said, commuting at 33, almost 34 weeks of pregnancy is not easy on the body. couple that with my second bad cold in 3 weeks and i was ready to be done. my actual last day of work was supposed to be Tues, Dec 14 but I just couldn't take it one more week so I told my boss that this past Tues was it. So happy that I did - I am very much looking forward to a more relaxed schedule leading up to the holidays, and gig 2, which i work W-F from home, wraps up around the new year. Hopefully baby boy Otis will not come early and will give me and C some much-needed time in those last few weeks to get our house in order.

I haven't had a problem getting a seat on the train for the past while because C has been driving me to Hoboken in the mornings that I commute in and the train originates there. So I know, if I wait and time it right, I can be one of the first people on the train when it pulls into the station and grab a seat without a problem. It's been wonderful that he's been driving me out of the way all this time to make that possible. He didn't want me to have to fight for a seat at our usual Grove Street stop. When you get on at Grove you can expect the train to be packed with people so if someone didn't volunteer a seat i'd be forced to ask, which i would do out of desperation, but don't enjoy....

so now, train trips will only be on off hours. like today - going to the doctor so he can tell me what, if anything, i can take to expedite this cold. i also managed to develop a disgusting cluster of blisters under my left nostril - i believe it's a cold sore (i googled it) but i didn't even know you could get those anywhere but on your lip. silly me. I also have a swollen gland in my neck that's as big as a goiter. Basically, I'm in shambles and look and feel as sexy as old belly button lint. But i digress....

So as the countdown to baby begins and the commuting is at an end, not sure what direction i expect this blog to take. Stay tuned.

holiday hangover

I have been a woefully bad blogger of late. no real seat issues to speak of, since hubby drives me to hoboken every morning that i commute into the city (2 days a week) and i work from home the rest of the time. a few weeks ago i was still commuting in one day a week for job #2 and hopped on to go home at 14th street. no seats, and no volunteers, so i just turned to a guy in one of the handicapped seats and said "do you mind?" and he got right up. i felt very satisfied but i'm happy i don't have to do that all the time.

just back last night from thanksgiving in buffalo with C's family. it was a very nice time. i slept better than i have at home for the most part, and enjoyed my first meatless thanksgiving holiday as a newly minted vegetarian. ever since visiting the woodstock farm animal sanctuary in oct, i've been off meat and i firmly feel this is a decision i will stick with. should make for interesting mealtimes once baby is on solid food, but for now, C and I are managing to peacefully co-exist and even eat a lot of the same things, or similar but with some modifications. at this point, my appetite is not great - i am trying to eat well and keep up my energy but i'm still nauseous a lot of the time.

i'm now counting down the days until i am done with gig number 1. five more full days of commuting after today. the end can't come soon enough. i look forward to sleeping in while i still have the chance.

for some reason i'm in the worst mood today - just not feeling up to dealing with anything or anyone. C said it's a holiday hangover. i think that's accurate. 3 more hours til i can go home and get into cozy PJs and relax....

A lot of sheepish looks, but no seat

on the way home from work today i got on the path heading toward JC at 14th. no seats, and no offer of a seat until at least three stops had passed. then the offer came from a little old lady. I thanked her, but refused. it made me so irate that next to her on all sides were able-bodied men who either looked right through me or pretended to sleep or glanced sheepishly me at me but then quickly turned away. it took every fiber in me not to tell one of these jerks not to get up. why didn't i? i guess i didn't have the energy for a scene. but i need to start being more aggressive about this going forward.

The whole reason i was in the city today in the first place is bc i promised boss #2 that i'd come in on thurs so we would have face-to-face time - something he made a big deal about. and i was completely blown away that i got all the way in to the office today only to find out that he was working from home in CT today. had i known that, i wouldn't have hauled my fat ass in.

Home now, in jammies, lying down and trying to let my frustration at the past few hours subside.

c'mon, everybody now!

yesterday i went into the new office where i'll be working for job #2. i arrive for a meeting with my boss and co-worker. almost immediately, boss reaches out and touches my stomach.

i feel strange, but don't want boss-man to be uncomfortable, so i try and make a joke, "Hey, sure you can touch the bump. C'mon, everybody - Kim? do you want to touch it?" so there we were in the office vestibule, all hands on my gut.

Ok, that's done, can we please get to work now?

Going home from the meeting, I got on the path at 14th street. It was a fairly crowded train and no seats available. At this point, I clearly look v. pregnant. I got several sympathetic looks, but not a single seat offering. I stood directly in front of a 30-something married guy (i noticed the wedding ring). He did his absolute best to ignore my hard stare. He sat in the disabled/elderly seat. I tried to send him subliminal messages like, "hey dickhead, I'm sure if you don't have kids yet, you will, and you're wife will one day want a seat. and you'll feel for her when no one gets up. And maybe, just maybe, you'll remember how you used to never get up for the pregnant ladies. Why? Because you're a DICK. And Karma is a bitch."

Anyway, he got up one stop before mine so i ended up sitting in his vacant seat after all. But just for one stop.

pregnancy, smegnancy, i'm over it

this pregnancy has not been easy, not by a long shot.

first entire trimester i spent most days puking my brains out.

everyone said "be patient" "it gets better" "the second trimester is the honeymoon phase."

i waited, not patiently. but what choice did i have?

and then it came. second trimester. i felt great. i felt reborn. food tasted good again. the air smelled fresher. the sun shone brighter.

this high lasted exactly two weeks.

i am now in my 24th week. for the past 9 weeks or so, i have alternatively felt migraine-y, nauseous, tired, cranky, bloated, gassy, heartburn-y, anxious and stressed (the last two are most definitely job related), and sleep-deprived (because let's face it, how much good sleep does one get when you have to pee 7-10 times a night?!!!).

in general, even on days when i'm not stressed or anxious because of a looming deadline, i feel, for the most part, like shit.

i really try not to be a debbie downer..."Wha, wha..." and everyone constantly reminds me "it's all for a good cause" "eye on the prize" yada yada.

My husband, sweet man that he is, watches in horror every time i throw up and piss myself, and then he strokes my back and tells me how sorry he is that he can't do anything.

I love him for many things, but I love him now so much for his empathy. I know that he'd take my pain away, even for a little while, if he could.

Yesterday was rough. It started out well enough, but then i decided to have a veggie burrito for lunch and chase it with some black liqorice.

bad, bad, bad idea.

veggie burrito alone (from whole foods - healthy) woudl probably have been fine.

top that with black liqorice (also from whole foods, but it's junk food, who are we kidding) and blammo.

an hour later i barely make it to the communal ladies room before i literally lose my lunch all over the place. everywhere BUT the toilet.

i also pissed my pants a little bit.

Dejected, mortified (but in all honesty feeling a little better from the purge), and OVER IT, i left work two hours early.

I felt that a violent puke-fest warranted a little time off.

Can ya blame me?

This morning: more of the same.

Baby, I love you, and I don't blame you.

But you'd better be cool as shit because momma's going through a lot to bring you into the world.

Touching the bump

Couple of things on my mind....

One - I'm more forgetful these days. This must be the pregnancy brain that people tell me about. Last week at work I completely spaced and missed a conference call that I SET UP. thankfully my boss was way cool about it and didn't reprimand me. Then, this weekend, I was all excited to go to the Liberty Humane Society's annual fundraiser at Liberty State Park - Bark in the Park. C and I got up, showered, dressed, went - on Sat afternoon. Arrive at the park, see no dogs, no signs, nothing that looks event-like. We ask a couple of people about it, who think we are insane. I call the shelter - the event is Sunday. DUH.

We ended up going to the event yesterday after all, which made me happy. C was a sport, since he knew I wanted to go and I knew he really didn't want to have to go...AGAIN. But we went, and had a nice time. Weather was perfect, lots of adorable big dogs and puppies up for adoption. I got my fix of petting and loving on them.

In the parking lot on the way to the event, we ran into our neighbor, Kristen, who volunteers at the shelter. She was with her friend, who was asking about my pregnancy. I was happy to answer all her questions when she just casually put her hand on my belly. I tried to ignore it, but two seconds later she did it again. I just met this woman. She did not ask if she could touch me. I felt weird. If it hadn't been that she was a friend of my neighbor, I am pretty sure I would have said something like, "um, excuse me, but I don't enjoy random people touching my stomach."

I guess I should count myself lucky that I have made it to 6 months without having anyone do that (without asking and who isn't someone I know). It's weird.

An aside: I'm still nauseous a lot. Yesterday was no exception. The road to Liberty State Park is cobblestone. Driving on that, combined with a rancid fart from my sweet husband, actually made me puke. Thank god I had a barf bag handy. That's right, people. C's fart made me lose my lunch.